Grief Written

You told me you loved me for the first time today, one year ago

I am filled with pink promises with crossed fingers behind my back I've got more death wishes than dreams  and I write suicide notes on the back of to do lists and laugh at the irony  I lean over railings and walk curbs like they're tight ropes Sometimes I lay upside down on my bed to feel all the blood rush to my head and I wonder how much blood the human body holds and it makes me dizzy but then I sit up and it all fades and I wish I could just sit up and this would all fade I'm always crying and crying and crying I don't know how to stop I store water in the well of sadness deep inside me I've broken my heart open a thousand times for people who weren't even thirsty and so the water just continues to spill over the sides maybe we'll enter a drought  I think about heartbreak and how you can actually die from it and wonder if I will when I feel it every time and how is it that my god damn heart is so resilient  I f...

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you              Please come home  I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you

I miss you in the way that I breathe And that’s naturally I don’t even notice I’m doing it But when I do, it becomes uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable with the unsteadiness of my breath as I try to adjust I can feel the out of rhyme inhalations and exhalations You’re like the air in my lungs In and out of my life There sometimes when I need you And then out like ghost, an exhalation in cold air I can’t seem to catch my breath I’ve got the wind knocked out of me And I’m gasping like you’d return if you heard me You take my breath away in the worst way I miss you Even though what we had is polluted The climate is changing Emissions Admission: I miss you

I’m typing into the empty abyss My words echoing back to me And likely everything I say will distort  Words are like colors No one sees the same color  My yellow reflects different than your yellow And my words are the same  When they leave my fingers Or travel through the air They somehow aren’t the entirety of what I meant And what I mean to say is that I’ve loved entirely too many boys  Or love  I hear dial tones in between the spaces of these words And voicemails in the punctuation Get it? Leave a message at the beep. And don’t forget to say I love you at the end

Dial tones are emptier than the sound of your voice

Words are bitter blackberries in my mouth, Trickling down my throat before settling there where they grow Vines twisting into me and the thorns are pressing against my skin To the point where it Hurts When he touches me. Palms pressed against my skin, Peaches are my checks cradled in your hands. I can feel the ripeness in them when you say something and it makes me laugh. Your thumb pressing into the single dimple in my cheek as my grin is a watermelon rind. My skin is soft, supple, and easy to bruise, I can feel your teeth skimming the surface. I can smell the summers sweat on your breath. Bittersweet.

I believe in lucky pennies. Pennies that appear on pavement, shining. Not when you're looking but when you need them. I often pocket the pennies, or pause to flip them over to fulfill their purpose. A trail of pennies across the pavement brought me to you. Pennies I had placed in cupholders, Tossed into wishing wells, and handed to wanting hands. And suddenly when I looked up from the pavement I realized that you were All the pennies I had picked up and placed in jars and pockets and ashtrays. I no longer have to ask for spare change, Collecting it on corners, Because when you laugh it sounds like coins falling together, and I pocket that sound in my piggy bank heart. And sometimes I push my hands deep in your pockets and you ask what I'm looking for But I've already found it. You ask me if you're loving me the way I need to be loved And to let you know when that changes, and I'm a pillar of pennies, because I'm the luckiest girl in...