To the boy who isn't mine

If I could look you in the eye without crying, I would say something like this:

I hate the way you made me feel, but I will never hate you.

But it is highly unlikely I would be able to look you in the eye and say those fourteen words that have been on my mind for weeks. 

Partially because it's hard to look at you.

Partially because this is the most I've said to you in weeks.

Isn't that sad?

We went from talking all day everyday to barely looking at each other. It's sad.

But we're too prideful to change it.

And that is the reason for this lengthy letter. A way for me to swallow my pride and say all the things I wish I could. So here's to self peace.

To the boy who isn't mine,

We began in the middle of September.

I was shy and sad, I missed home. You were outgoing and happy, you were at home.

We were thrown together by circumstance, and a meddling little brother who played match maker with his best friend and older sister.

It started out as just casual flirting. I had a boyfriend and you weren't ready to be tied down. We shouldn't have ended up together. But for a moment in time we did.

I was still in a relationship that was falling apart.

And you still had an eye that had a habit of wandering.

But on a warm September day we went on a walk, you held my hand and I pulled you around like an overexcited toddler reading the plaques aloud to you.

Do you remember?

I avoided stepping on all the cracks in the sidewalk. Like we were playing a game, you nudged me so I'd lose. Then you spun me with the hand you held and pulled me into your arms. You held me for a moment and for the first time in a long time I felt like I could breathe.

It was as if I'd just realized that for weeks I've been surrounded by trees and they were begging me to breathe. So in your arms, for the first time, I finally did.

Then you kissed me and I kissed you. Once, twice, three times. You laughed and said, "I wasn't going to do that." But I was glad you did.

Even if my lipstick stained your lips.

Fast forward and it's the end of September. September 30th to be exact. We went on a date. You picked me up, and I wore my favorite plum lipstick. You opened the door for me and held my hand the whole ride there. 

We went stargazing.

We kissed.

We giggled.

I told you secrets.

You told me stories.

It was one of my favorite nights in one of my least favorite towns. You drove me home, and I fell asleep on your shoulder. You put your arm around me and practically carried me inside. Everything was perfect. 

As time progressed, we did too.

I no longer had a boyfriend,

And your eyes began to only see me.

I wish I could go over all of the moments that make up us, but I can't. It's too painful and would take too long.

But let me tell you I love every moment and memory you gave me, I love that for a brief time we were eachother's. 

Thank you for being with me when I was figuring out who I was away from everything I knew.

Thank you for being there when I needed someone.

Thank you for making me laugh and smile when honestly I didn't want to do either.

Thank for when I told you I was too much  to love, you tried anyway.

Thank you for being yourself.

I miss you and every aspect of you. I miss our relationship.

And I just wanted to apologize for the fact that we were right for each other but we weren't right at the right time.

I'm sorry that it ended.

I'm sorry that it ended the way it did.

I'm sorry we said awful things to eachother.

I'm sorry that we were afraid to love eachother.

I'm sorry that we let our past decide our future.

I'm sorry that I waited for you.

I waited for days and days.

I waited for weeks and weeks.

For a boy who never came.

And when I realized he wasn't coming back I asked him to a little too late.

I'm sorry once I realized that like us, my timing was all wrong, I avoided you.

I thought that if I could deny your existence I could deny this feeling your absence left me with.

I'm sorry I couldn't just get over it and be your friend.

We could've been really good friends.

I guess we could still be.

But that's up to you.

I love you, I loved you. I lost you. I lost you everyday a little more until it was the end. But this time when I lost someone, i didn't lose myself.

I don't know whether to contribute that to you, or myself. But that is something I am extremely proud of.

Overall this post is a mess. Kinda like we were.

But it's a good mess, like us.

I'm sorry. Thank you. I love you.

Those three phrases can be applied to every moment and memory that ever existed between us.

And I think that's beautiful in an odd sort of way. 

Sincerely, 

The girl who was yours