Grief Written

 Last night I went out with my friends And thought maybe I’d see you like those times before  It would be serendipitous Almost like a small wink from the universe. I danced and laughed And when someone put their hands on my waist I slipped away. I whispered conspiratorially into my friend’s ear that I still felt a little bit like yours, Which is like a cruel ironic twist when the scene is contrasted with our last interaction. Last night,  A boy asked to buy me a drink which I declined And my friends later caught him trying to put something in my water from underneath the table. I know it’s odd but in that moment I thought of us draped against one another in the hallway of the nightclub waiting out the cold before the car came. You promised that you would always protect me, Something you reiterated that night in bed just after you rubbed my back on the bathroom floor while I threw up. But last night I was not being held loosely in your arms as we pinky promised to be best ...

I’m drunk off the wine I took from your house so you wouldn’t drink too much when I left  And I held the bottle in the Uber on my way home which was silent  I thought about that time in college I Ubered home crying and drunk knowing that he had said things I couldn’t forgive  But even then in that moment, I wondered what he would say about me now He was never fiercely protective But I thought about the way you grabbed my wrist and the way my nail broke and how I was the one apologizing  It made me feel like a child again in all the ways and I know you know what I mean Because I can still see your regret leaning against the kitchen sink  I can see perhaps a thought of your mother In the same way I had one of mine  And I’ve already forgiven you in the way I’ve forgiven every man I’ve loved  I’m still detangling the ways my mother loved and was loved  I’m still grieving my childhood self and teenage self and college self Once he told me, “I say thing...