The Breakup Pie

 My best friend sat in the corner of my bed watching me whisk furiously as I laughed to keep myself from crying,

She’d been there all morning into the afternoon and the cup of coffee I had made her had been replaced with a glass of wine.

“Why are you still doing that?”

I carefully poured the filling over the toasted pecans, watching the crust disappear.

“I promised him I would.”

She took a sip from her glass and I could see her mulling over her next comment.

“You should spit in it.”

“He probably would like that,” I told her. “Maybe I’ll just etch the word humble into a slice.”

She laughed, and for a moment I thought her careful examination was over.

When I removed the pie from the oven I sighed in defeat at some of the burnt edges, shrugging while I said “it’s probably just a breakup pie anyway.”

I remember when you had asked me if I could bake a pecan pie which I replied surely that I could.

Within minutes I had saved a recipe, within days I had bought the ingredients. When you noticed them sitting on the counter you nodded at me as if to say “I see you, seeing me.”

As I carefully wrapped the pie in tinfoil she asked me again,

“Why are you still doing that?”

And after a moment I responded,

“It’s the only way I know how to love, past the bitter end.”

I could tell that she was confused when she asked, “do you mean to the bitter end?”

But you know me,

You know that I measure everything I say carefully. Rarely do I ever say things I don’t mean.

And at the bitter end I asked you “is it timing or is it just us?”

You responded, “it’s both.”

After you were gone I scraped the leftover pie into the garbage disposal and watched the water dissolve what was left.

When you brought what was left of mine the plate made a final noise when you set it on the counter.

“I think you could’ve been my person,” you told me.

It had been nearly a year of us and I was incredulous that I was still a could’ve. 

We used to be collection of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. 

Now, I mostly assign it all under or didn’t or doesn’t.

In all reality, it had probably been past the bitter end for awhile — and I’m just waiting for my heart to catch up.